The Long Hours of the Night
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Sesshoumaru has a secret that he is trying to hide from absolutely everyone. What could the indifferent youkai possibly have to hide?
1. Default Chapter

In The Long Hours of This Night

A/N, Disclaimer, etc: I don't know if this has been done before, but I thought it would be interesting, so I decided to try it. Obviously there's OOC, but that's the point of this particular fic, so I hope it's not too out of place. I tried to make Miroku sound believable, but if he's not, gomen! I hope I haven't butchered anything too much, but this is what using imagination does to me, lol.

Er...shounen-ai...but that's a given with me.

I don't own Inu-Yasha. (there, I've disclaimed.)

~~~~~

No one knows my little secret; the reason I roam the night alone once a month. It's been blamed on my personality, my wish to be alone; I'll let them keep thinking that is what it is. Truthfully...I have a secret that I can't stand, a personal disgrace that I will never let anyone find out about.

I am supposed to be the pure-blooded son; the full demon, the one that isn't a stain on this world. Inu-Yasha is the hanyou; he is the one who should be despised, should be killed, should be eliminated...He is the one who is a mistake. I am the one who should be allowed to live, because my blood is pure.

At least, that is what everyone thinks.

I know differently; but I am the only one, besides my father, and my mother; but they are both dead, and gone. Long gone. They will not be able to tell anyone my secret. I begged them never to tell.

They told some -- but those who knew are all dead. I made sure of that. No one can know that I, too, am a hanyou; no one will be allowed to find out that once a month, during the long hours of the night, I, too, am a human.

When I am a human, I look entirely different than when I am youkai...when I am what I am supposed to be. My hair changes color, from silver to black; I always tie it back so that I do not see it when the wind blows it. I hate the look of it. My body becomes smaller, and weaker; my hands lose their glorious claws, and I have fingers; disgusting, pudgy fingers. I can't see properly in the dark, things become fuzzy and blurred; my sense of smell seems to disappear, and I can't run quickly enough, or jump high enough...I can not do anything properly. I am a disgrace, during the long hours of the night, once a month.

I blame my mother for my suffering. I hate her for making me what I am. I hate my father more for being with human women; to have had two sons that are hanyou, he was a fool. There are no place for hanyou in this world.

Which is why I refuse to be a hanyou; why I refuse to let anyone know that I am a hanyou...

I am not a hanyou.

Tonight is the night that I have to leave Jaken and Rin, and wander off alone. They will wonder where I am, like always, but I will not tell them where I am going; I will find them again in the morning. Jaken will make sure that nothing happens to Rin, or I will kill him.

Rin, a human girl, that I can't leave behind. Damn you, Father, for making me inherit more than just a human side; for making me inherit feelings that I didn't want. What is it I feel for that little girl, anyway? I really don't know, but I can't leave her behind. She is annoying, and too talkative, and ugly; but she keeps following me, and I keep letting her.

My life is frustrating.

It used to be fine; when I was alone, everything was fine. No one knew, and I had no fear of anyone finding out; but with followers...

It is hard to hide things from people who refuse to leave you alone.

That is why I must sneak off tonight. I refuse to be found out. I refuse to admit I am a hanyou.

So I wander. I don't look like the Sesshoumaru that anyone has ever heard of, if indeed they have ever heard of Sesshoumaru. Some have. I am not a sweet person; I am youkai, and I do what I do because that is what I do. If I kill someone, it is because I think that they deserve to be killed. It does not excite me or amuse me; I just do it. Some fear me, some hate me; that is fine. I don't care either way. 

I hate it when they follow me, though; or when they adore me, like Rin.

Why did she try to save me, when I was injured in that forest? I would have been fine on my own, but she tried to help me, in her own, childish way.

I should have killed her; could have killed her. I planned on killing her, because she was annoying.

I did not kill her.

I can't hold in my sighs tonight. I look at my short, stubby fingers, and I feel like vomiting. This human body is revolting.

I am wearing different clothes than usual, just in case anyone I know comes across me. I have to use some light in order to see in the darkness; unlike usual. Anyone who crosses my path will be able to see my face, light up by my torch, but it is a face so changed that they will not notice. The real reason I must leave is so that no one sees my transformation; and so that I can wallow in misery, something my human self does well, alone.

Even my eyes are a different color. I happened to look at my reflection once, on this night, in the water. I saw brown eyes; brown! My eyes were never meant to be brown.

Damn you, Father, for what you did.

I can hear someone coming. I hide. I will not let anyone see me.

It is someone I recognize; someone I have seen with that bastard half-brother of mine. A monk, in a purple robe, no less; an ugly human, just like the rest.

Only in this body, he does not look so ugly; he looks rather attractive. My human emotions, most of which I can deny so well when I am youkai, always bother me on this night. Another reason to stay away from people. 

But he's walking by me now, and he's...well...attractive...

And he's humming. It's ridiculous. This man is a man I've never really even spoken to, and I have no use for him. I think I will kill him the next time I see him, so that he never bothers me like this again.

"Who's there?" he asks.

I must have made too much noise hiding. I loathe this human body!

If I do not reply, perhaps he will not look for me, and he will not find me.

But I do not seem to be very lucky tonight.

"Who are you?" he asks, peering at me, while I try to stay hidden. Obviously he can see me now.

"No one," I reply. My voice is even different in this form; it has lost it's monotone. It is...full of fear.

This is humiliating. I am glad he does not recognize me.

"Why are you hiding there?" the monk asks. 

"I don't really know," I reply. I don't, either. I could have just passed by him, and he would never have noticed. I wonder why he's out wandering by himself. Maybe he, too has a secret he does not want anyone to find out about; or maybe he, too, wants to get away from the people he spends most of his time with, to have some time alone to think. Maybe the two of us have something in common.

Though I doubt it, from what I have seen of him. He is a skirt-chaser; I am a youkai who cares little for anything other than myself.

"You seem lost," the monk says. I hold back a laugh. I am definitely not lost; I have walked this path many times before. I always come here on these nights, if I am close enough.

"I am not lost."

"You sound familiar."

So, my voice is not as changed as I thought. I clear my throat, and try to talk a little bit more lightly. I would really have to kill the monk if he recognized me, and I fear that he is more powerful than me when I am in human form. It is sickening that I lose so much power when I am like this. I am almost frail...I am so very weak. Is this what it is to be human always? Is this how a human feels when confronted with a youkai, ten times more powerful than themselves?

Am I afraid of this monk, clad in purple, of all colors?

"I don't know why, we have never met before."

"Are you out for a walk to clear your mind, too?"

I hesitate. It can't hurt to answer the question, I suppose, even though I really want to be on my way.

"Yes. I needed to get away from my...friends."

Jaken and Rin are far from being my friends, but I must use words that will not sound suspicious. Calling them my followers is bound to catch his attention in a way I do not want.

"Sometimes we all need to get away from our friends. You know, if you were a woman, I would ask you to have my child...but you're not, so I guess I can't." 

I am startled by his bold statement. He is a strange man, this monk. Against my will, I find I am intrigued.

It feels like too long until morning...The hours of these nights are always so much longer.

Is it always this way for humans?

"No, you can't." I start on my way again, but he follows me, and keeps talking to me.

"You're very good looking, for a man."

I give him a look. He backs off a little, but he stays by me.

"You seem lonely."

That statement makes me stop short. I turn to face him, an angry look on my face. I am sure I am not as menacing as usual, since my face is human, but it will have to do.

"Leave me alone," I say.

"You really are lonely, aren't you?"

What can I do to make him go away? In my present state, trying to kill him will result in nothing. I am a weakling.

I am thinking about his question, in spite of myself. Am I lonely?

I have Rin and Jaken -- but they are not my friends. 

Do I want friends?

No.

Does my human half want friends?

Damn my father for what he did to me. Damn my mother for ever giving birth to me.

I hate these nights.

"Maybe I am lonely," I say, "But what business is it of yours?"

"I don't know. I feel like I've known you a long time, and for some reason, I want to help you, even though I don't know your name."

"I don't know yours either, and I'm sure we've never met before, so your feeling is rather stupid," I say.

He laughs at me! I want to kill him. Why is he laughing?

"You really are something," he says. 

I am something at that, something he should fear...Something he would fear, if I were the way I am supposed to be.

"Why don't you leave me alone?"

"Because you admitted to being lonely, and for some reason, I want to help you."

I feel drawn to this monk in the purple robe; for reasons I do not know. It is my human half at work again. The human half I would be rid of in a second, if I knew how. That half is drawing me to this man I've seen a few times, and was very indifferent about.

Now I hate him, and I want to kill him, very badly.

"What is your name?" the monk asks me.

"I told you, I am no one," I say. "Leave it at that."

"My name is Miroku."

"I don't care."

Miroku is giving me a look full of all kinds of emotions that I detest. Friendship, kindness...all of it useless and pointless, and ridiculous! Why won't he leave me alone?

"I think that we were meant to meet here," he says, "Even though I don't usually believe in fate, I believe in it tonight."

Fate...I've never used the word. It's a stupid word.

There is no way that I was "meant" to meet this man on this cursed night. What would be the point in that?

He's touching my face. I want to bite his finger off, but my teeth are not as sharp as they usually are...not as sharp as they should be. Not as sharp as they wish they were.

"You're crying," the monk says.

So I am, but I really didn't want him to point that out. I do this sometimes, when I'm human. Another good reason to hide from everything, so that no one sees me cry, and I can deny to myself that I ever cry.

I wonder if my half-brother is like this when he is human. Probably not, he is too stubborn. Maybe I should learn some of his stubbornness, and I would not be so weak.

Maybe I am the one that is a stain on the world...

But I will still deny that I am a hanyou.

"I never cry," I reply. "I am not crying."

Suddenly, I want the monk to hold me. I throw myself into his arms and I weep all over his purple robe. I cry, and cry, and cry...

I've forgotten who I am. I am just a lonely man, in the arms of a man who has said he wants to help me, even though he doesn't know why.

Finally, I come back to myself, and, embarrassed, I back away.

I start to leave again.

"Tell me your name, please," Miroku says.

He wouldn't believe me even if I did. "I can't," I say. I almost wish I could...but then I remember how ashamed I am, and that the only reason I am here is to hide what I am.

"Will I see you again?" Miroku asks.

"Probably," I say. But he will not recognize me when he does. I don't think I should ever come back here on these nights, for fear of him finding me again; although he might find me in a different place, no matter how much I try to hide. Why am I drawn to him? I don't know. Fate is a stupid word, one that humans made up. I am not a human.

The sun is beginning to rise.

I run.

He does not try to chase me. I think I have hurt his feelings.

I do not care in the least.

My glorious claws are growing back. I let loose my hair, and it is silver. I feel my eyes change, and I know that they are no longer brown. My body gains back its strength, and I go back to my followers, careful to wipe the last traces of wetness from my face before I get there.

Sesshoumaru the youkai never cries; and Sesshoumaru the human does not exist...

~~~~~

I can see the monk again, he's with my half-brother. I am fighting Inu-Yasha yet again, and though it does not excite or amuse me, I feel that he should be killed. 

He is one of the people I am unable to kill, though, whether because of his skill or something else, I do not know. Perhaps he is to me like Rin; someone I cannot leave behind, no matter how much I want to.

I sneak another look at the damn monk. He is looking at us; watching us fight, not interrupting, because it is _our_ fight. He sees me looking at him, and meets my gaze. His eyes widen, and I wonder...does he know that it is me?

No, he can't, because it is not the human me; it is the youkai me, the real me. The human Sesshoumaru does not exist, never has existed, and never will exist. The human Sesshoumaru never met a monk named Miroku, never cried on his shoulder, never wanted another human to hold him and comfort him. There was never a human Sesshoumaru to hear the words "I want to help you" so there was never a human Sesshoumaru who wanted to take advantage of those words...and the Sesshoumaru that exists does not believe in fate, because it is a stupid word.

And yet, even though the human Sesshoumaru does not exist, he hopes that he can meet that monk in a forest during the long hours of a cursed night once again; to cry on his shoulder and be held once again.

Even though he does not exist, he bothers me more and more as I continue to live on in this world.

Maybe it really is this hanyou that is a stain on the world.

Even though I am not a hanyou at all.

My human half is crying again. I am glad that his tears do not show.

I abandon my battle with Inu-Yasha, and I call Jaken and Rin. We must be on our way. Where to, I am not sure of yet. I just want to get away. I don't want to see the skirt-chasing monk looking at me anymore, because he might just recognize the look in my eyes if I do stay. Even though my eyes are their proper color, some of the human remains in them. I can't make it go away, no matter how hard I try.

I am not a hanyou.

I am not a human...

I am youkai, and that is all I will ever be.

~~~~~

Sesshoumaru the human does not exist, and he never will, but right now, he is in the arms of a monk he has met once too often.

"Miroku..." I say. No, not I; someone else. A human I do not know.

He stirs.

"Why are we together like this?" I ask him, not really expecting an answer. He sleeps like the dead. I know, because we have been together before. We are together far too often, even though we have been together only a few times. These nights never seem long enough, and yet they seem too long. The two people inside of me are at war; and I am slowly losing the battle to the damn human that is right now on the surface. I want that human to die.

"I told you I don't usually believe in fate, but something about this..."

Is wrong, I want to say, but the human does not want to say that.

"You don't even know my name," that human I don't want to know points out.

Miroku shrugs. "But I know that you have been lonely, and that you are lonely no longer."

"I don't want to see you again," I say...no, that human says. I am not a hanyou; I am not a human.

"You said that last time."

"I know, but this time, I mean it."

"If you do, then goodbye; but if you don't, I know I will see you again. You are the one who seeks me out."

It is true. This human Sesshoumaru always finds the monk dressed in purple, for his company. He is drawn to the monk in purple as he has never been drawn to anyone before.

I cannot kill that monk either, because of the human that I become once a month; his presence is becoming stronger. I wish that I could kill him, but if I killed him, I would die.

I am not ready to die yet, not until I have defeated him and I become a full youkai.

I am not a hanyou.

I -- he -- we push away the monk, Miroku; the lover that we have come to know, in our very few -- but too many -- nights together.

I don't know why I am here, but this human part of me longs for companionship, and Miroku is willing to give it. Miroku, the skirt-chaser. I do not wear a skirt, I am not a woman; neither part of me is a woman.

"Someday, I hope you'll tell me your name; until then, I'm happy just like this."

"What about your precious children?"

Miroku sighs. "That is a problem. I need to have children before I die...You'll understand if I have some children with a few women, won't you?"

The human part of me, the disgusting part; it laughs. I never laugh. Laughing is just not something that I do. I am never amused...So why is it that I am laughing now?

"Have your children, Miroku, as long as I can stay with you."

He looks very happy.

No...those words...they never came out of my mouth...

I am falling asleep. Miroku is asleep already. I stand, and I dress, and I slip away. It is almost dawn; almost time to return to my youkai form, the true me.

How much longer can I keep this secret?

How much longer can I keep the human in me quiet during the rest of the month? 

How much longer can I keep going like this?

Not much longer, I think.

I am not a hanyou, I am never a human...But I am nothing else.

I am Sesshoumaru, no matter who I am; and Sesshoumaru is confused.

In the long hours of those cursed nights, I will stay with him; and for the rest of the time, I will hate him, and I hope that one day, I can kill him.

I hope that one day, I can die happily.

Even though happiness is not something that I feel.

~~~~~


	2. Part 2

Author's note and disclaimer: Hey, I already disclaimed this! I don't own Inu-Yasha (but I'd like to, he's so cute!) Um...I don't know why I wrote a fic about Sesshoumaru. Inu-Yasha is probably my favorite character, either him or Jakotsu...and Jakotsu doesn't come in it until later, damn it all! I do admire Fluffy though, he's very cool. I wasn't going to write this second chapter, but a couple people have asked me to continue, so, without further ado, the long-awaited second part of 

The Long Hours of the Night

"I want you to meet some people," he says, leading me by the hand to a place I do not know. On the night I hate the most in every month, the human in me that I hate is happy to be with the man that he loves. Even though that human does not exist.

The monk has given the cursed human a name; he calls him Kumo. The human would not give away his real name.

He does not have a real name. He would never give his name as Sesshoumaru, because I am Sesshoumaru, and I am youkai. 

The human that is not me is happy that Miroku wants him to meet someone; he is happy that Miroku is proud to have him.

As he leads me -- him -- into a clearing, I feel sick to my stomach. I should have realized what "meeting some people" entailed.

I am a fool, when I am human. No -- the human that is not me is a fool.

Of course, the group of people he is leading me towards includes the hanyou that I need to avoid the most. My half-brother, the stain on the world; the damned hanyou. The only hanyou in the family.

"This is the man I was telling you about, my friend Kumo," Miroku says, as he pulls me along unwillingly. He does not notice the terror in the human's eyes.

Terror that even I, the youkai, share. If I am recognized...

"This is Kagome-sama." Miroku introduces the first woman; the human that my half-brother seems so attached to. Trust a hanyou to fall for a human.

"Nice to meet you," she says.

There is another woman here; she looks on at me with something like hatred, or jealousy, in her eyes.

"Hoshi-sama talks about you all the time," she says.

The human...that is not me...smiles nervously. "Really?"

"Yes." She turns her back on me--on him. I give Miroku a helpless look.

"Don't mind Sango," he says cheerfully. I wonder if he even notices that this Sango is in love with him. I find I am glad that he doesn't seem to, since I want him for myself, despite my promise to let him have children with several different women.

Damn that human in me.

The human that is not Sesshoumaru, but is using his body...damn him.

A little youkai who looks happy to be with humans and hanyou is peering at me.

"This little youkai is Shippo."

He is being corrupted early. It is sickening, really. Surrounded by humans, and yet he is happy.

"And this is Inu-Yasha."

I do not want to meet the cursed hanyou's eyes. If I do, something terrible might happen. He might name this human a name that a human should never have.

Inu-Yasha grumbles a greeting. He is not good with people. He is looking the other way. I breathe a sigh of relief.

Then he meets my gaze, and I meet his, purely by accident. We stare at each other for a few seconds.

My heart has stopped beating. Time has stopped.

Please, this human looks nothing like the youkai you know. His eyes are a dirty brown color, they are not recognizable.

"You..." His face is suddenly in my face, and he is sniffing at me.

No.

"You!" he exclaims. He raises his claws at me. I flinch, and move backwards. He looks confused, and rather annoyed; as if he doesn't know why I am cowering. As if this human should not be afraid of him...

Sesshoumaru would not be afraid.

"What are you doing?" Miroku demands.

"He--"

"No," I -- he -- we whimper.

"What?" Miroku asks, looking at me with concerned eyes. I hate that look. Sesshoumaru the youkai hates that look.

"He smells like Sesshoumaru!" 

Everyone is staring at me. At the damn human.

I do not know what to say.

"Do you know Sesshoumaru?" Miroku asks. I think he must be wondering if I work for Sesshoumaru, if I am some sort of spy. Miroku must be wondering if I have been using him somehow.

"Sesshoumaru..." I can say no more than that. My voice is gone.

Miroku is waiting for an explanation. He has a lot of faith in me, I suspect. I can see it in his eyes. Since he loves me -- loves that damn human, Kumo, he has a lot of faith.

I look up at the sky. My eyes widen. I have lost track of the time. The sun is coming up.

The night was shorter than usual. The long hours were reduced to nothing. The night was not long enough to save me from this.

I try to run, but he stops me. He gives me that look that I hate, that concerned look. He wants an explanation.

My claws are growing back. My hair is changing to the color it has always been. My eyes are the eyes of a youkai once again.

They are all still staring at me. The humans, and my damned half-brother.

"Hanyou?" Inu-Yasha looks very confused, and conflicted. I can guess what is running through his mind. He has always been persecuted because he is hanyou, where I have not. I have had no trouble because of it. I have hidden it well.

"Sesshoumaru is not a hanyou," I growl. "Sesshoumaru is not human!"

I attack Inu-Yasha. I do not have my sword; it is with the clothes I stowed away, in hopes that no one would recognize them being worn by a filthy human.

Inu-Yasha fights back. He is taking his frustration out on me.

The human Kumo wants to tell Inu-Yasha, my half-brother, that he is sorry for all the pain he's had to bear.

Sesshoumaru wants more than ever to kill him, but I know that I will not be able to.

I flee. I have had enough. I do not think anyone will follow me. They are too shocked.

Especially Miroku, who looks as though his world has been shattered.

Sesshoumaru, the pure youkai, does not care.

~~~~~

I do not even know why I am here. The purple-clad monk will not come. I have not seen him since last month's disaster. Sesshoumaru has not seen him since then. Kumo has not seen him since then. I know tha the hates me; he must. He has to. I fooled him.

I continue to fool myself.

Sesshoumaru is not a hanyou.

Kumo should not exist.

Why is Kumo waiting for the monk to arrive? He is not going to come here tonight.

"Kumo. Or should I say Sesshoumaru?"

"Sesshoumaru is not a hanyou," I say. I can not believe he is here, and yet I find that I...that Kumo is glad. "The human's name is Kumo, as you named him."

"Have you become two different people, who hate each other?" Miroku asks.

"Sesshoumaru believes I do not exist. I fight him, but I always lose, when the long hours of this cursed night are over."

Miroku comes closer to me. To him.

"I have missed you. I thought maybe I should hate you, but I don't. I can't. Inu-Yasha was a little crazy for a while, but once he clamed down, he forgave you for everything. With a little persuasion from Kagome-sama, of course."

The human is glad. The youkai is indifferent.

"I can't help but love you, Kumo. I want to be with you, once a month, like we have been, if that's the only time I can be with you. I never asked you why only once a month. If I had, you might have told me. I don't blame you for keeping the secret. I never asked."

I never would have told him even if he had asked, but I do not say this.

"Let's be together. I never thought that I would love a man, but I do. I will give up all women for you, even the really cute ones."

Kumo shakes his head. My head. "Sesshoumaru the youkai will kill you," I say.

"Will he?" Miroku asks, shoulders sagging in defeat.

"He will try." I go to the monk and embrace him. "The human has fallen in love with you. Maybe I can win over him."

You will never win, human. I am not a hanyou.

"Once a month, I will be with you."

No, he won't, because this human does not exist. Sesshoumaru is a youkai!

"I love you, Kumo."

And for tonight, I am with the monk in purple. A monk that Sesshoumaru hates.

A monk that Sesshoumaru will never be able to kill, because I love him very much. He is the human who opened my heart.

Kumo is not a hanyou. The youkai Sesshoumaru should not exist. He is a stain on this world.

I hope that one day, we can die happily; even though he will never know the happiness I have discovered.

~~~~~

~owari~


End file.
